work money art...

I was looking at my paycheck from the Drafthouse the other day and noticed something. I remember being told when I first started that each time I train up to a new position I get a small raise. Well I've trained to three new positions and that raise hasn't shown up yet. I had forgotten about it at first but now realize that for at least the last 4 paychecks I've not been getting paid the correct amount. So that's something I have to address today.
I've also applied for another position at the Drafthouse, an event coordinator position. But it looks like they may want to put someone who is already in management into that position. If that happens I will need to start exploring other options. Oh, I will stay at the Drafthouse. I'm finally bar tending regularly and I like it, but I need another job, possibly bar tending somewhere else, maybe 2 nights a week, to make some additional money. I'm finally scraping the bottom of my bank account. I was doing pretty well for awhile but it's now back to paycheck to paycheck living and my previous irresponsible behavior with regards to credit cards is catching up with me. I've learned some good money lessons over the past few years though and now I just have to be extra responsible with my money so I can get myself out. Karma man, it's a bitch sometimes.

I feel like I'm in the part of my life that is completely defined by sacrifice. When I was in my twenties I was unsure of my creativity and therefor unwilling to make sacrifices for it. I wanted to go everywhere and do everything. And I went a lot of places and did a lot of things. Lots and lots of awesome places and things. One of the reasons I have debt actually. But it was all worth it. Every minute, even the dark stuff.
I was reading an interview with Poppy Z Brite once (excellent writer for those of you who don't know) and she made a comment about all the young writers out there who haven't been anywhere or done anything. Essentially they haven't lived so what was there for them to write about. And it showed in their work. Well I feel like I have lived and now I have a few things to say about it. And I'm not done by a long shot, but now is the time to sacrifice that slightly hedonistic , irresponsible lifestyle and focus on my art. If I had done it ten years ago I might be successful by now, or maybe not. Maybe no-one would have been interested to hear what a twenty something know-it-all (who really knew nothing about anything) had to say and I'd be more dejected than if I had done nothing at all. Maybe no-one is interested in what I have to say now, but fuck it, I'm going to say it anyway and see if I can reach an audience. I think I can.

Driving me nutz

Steven has been house sitting this past week for a few friends of ours and has the ability of using their car to go to work. So that has given me a few days with Steven's car to use for my convenience. And I do love driving his 2007 VW Rabbit. It's a dream to drive, even with the dented hatchback from the deaf texting bandit that rear ended us a few weeks ago (yes, that's right, he was deaf and texting WHILE driving... awesome).
But today reminded me of all the things I hate about driving:

Spending money on gasoline
The smell of gasoline, especially when it drips on your skin
Traffic
Construction
Waiting for a vehicle inspection and then spending more money on it (that's my thank you to Steven for letting me use his car)
Stop lights
People stealing parking spots you were obviously waiting for
The constant getting in and getting out when running errands

I just watched my wallet get thinner and thinner as the day went on. I hadn't spent any money in almost four days, save for the $.75 bus fare from yesterday. But today I was siphoning cash out into the ether like there was no tomorrow.

I really am happier and much more relaxed when I have to ride my bike. I'm in better shape and much more efficient with my errands. I don't have to sit and wait for ages in traffic to get somewhere. And the bike trails are much much nicer than any freeway.
But both a bike and a car can be constraining in their own ways. I'm just glad I'm done with my errands and can sit at home for the next 4 hours making cheesecake and working on my screenplay while listening to ambient dub and feeling the cool breeze come in through all the open windows in the house.

WTWTA

Last night Steven took me to the opening of Spike Jones' Where The Wild Things Are.
I really liked it but I have to say the trailer was probably more enchanting than the actual movie (Steven articulated this first, and I completely agree). Almost every single time I saw the trailer it brought tears to my eyes.
"Inside each of us is a wild thing." Indeed! I have a wild thing inside of me for sure!



The art direction was quite beautiful. It's enough to see the movie just for that. And there are lots of little things that make the movie a pleasure. It's dark in places and ridiculous in places. But always very melancholy. Max is going through a wild stage. Acting out and causing his mother distress. He runs away into his imaginary world and basically becomes the parent to an extremely dysfunctional family and then begins to see things from a new perspective. So he leaves to go home again, but nothing he is leaving behind feels resolved in any way. Will the wild things just keep going on as they had been before? Does the cycle continue? Or did Max teach them a new way to live with each other as he has learned a new way to live with his own family? I didn't see that and was a little disappointed. Just a little hope that the wild things would have their own realizations about family and living together would have been the one thing that would have made this film really really good, instead of just fun to watch. But it could be that this was the filmmaker's intention and that it was done in a subtle way that I didn't pick up on. Subtlety is difficult to do in film. Often a point is either too subtle that it goes unnoticed or the audience feels they are beaten over the head with it. One extreme or the other. Some people may feel differently about the ending of the film than I do.
Regardless, I did enjoy it and definitely recommend seeing it on the big screen.

A weekend of breakthroughs

This past weekend I participated in an all weekend workshop called The Mastery. The man leading The Mastery is my acting coach, Van Brooks. It wasn't specifically an acting workshop, though the focus was on creativity in performance, and the people attending were all performers. The skills worked on in this workshop can equally be applied to creativity in the arts or just creativity in life.

It's been quite awhile since I have been on stage doing any performance. And I miss it. A lot. The ten years I spent performing with The Satan's Cheerleaders were not only the most fun but the most important years of my life in terms of building up a foundation of confidence in who I was as a person. I found out I had more in me than I had ever thought possible before. And if it wasn't for those girls I might have stayed walking the very very dark path I was on. But there was definitely a plateau for me creatively. My sister has been extremely important in me getting to the next level by encouraging my writing. And I'm getting a lot of positive feedback about it. But it was important for me to take my creativity, both in life and specifically performance, up to anther level. And I think I have taken the first few steps to doing that just this weekend.

It was an emotional roller coaster, literally. Moving from anger to love to sorrow to joy all in the span of an hour. And revealing these parts of ourselves to a group of people we didn't know. A group of people who are all there together and supporting each other in their creative endeavors, without judgement. It's a powerful thing, knowing that you can creatively go anywhere, and see what happens, without fear of judgement. Just knowing that it is what it is. In performance it is extremely liberating to know that you can try things, anything really, just to see if they work or not, and no one that is watching is going to think you are stupid for doing it. On the contrary, they will admire your bravery for trying something new. I kept finding myself admiring everyone as they bared their souls to us and started breaking down their personal barriers.

Through dancing I have known what it feels like to be totally committed to the moment. But I have never been able to do that while singing or performing dialogue or any kind of skit. I was always hyper aware of being watched and so I always performed things timidly or in the way I thought they should be done.
But on the last day of the workshop, I could feel myself completely committed to the moment and connected with my fellow actors. I know what it feels like now to have honesty in my performance instead of just playing a part. And the fact that I know now that I can do it means more to me than anything.

I still have a long road to walk. The road never ends really. But I think it's going to get more interesting from here on in. I have a screenplay to finish and I am inspired now to finish it. That is the most pressing matter right now. But beyond that I have new ways to think about myself and my creative processes and how they fit into this world. I have the confidence to pursue creative avenues that I always wanted to do before but was always too scared to just do it. Scared of failure, scared of success. Scared of the responsibility success might bring (that's a big one).

Something I find very interesting is that much of what is talked about in the workshop regarding judgement, creativity and responsibility very much jives with the Buddhist perspective of life. We are responsible for everything in our own lives. We are responsible for everything we come into contact with. Judgement is just a mental construct built out of our perception of the world and our perception is just that, our perception. It is not reality. And we cannot know what anyone else in the world is thinking. It is not possible and it is not important. Thoughts are just thoughts. They say more about the person thinking them (or saying them) than they do about those the thoughts are about.

After the workshop was over on Sunday I couldn't hang around and socialize with all my new friends (and they are my friends now). I had to go to work, directly. Stepping into the insanity of the Alamo bar and kitchen, after leaving the warm, safe room of growth and creativity, was like jumping into an ice cold lake after a nice soak in the hot springs. It took me forever to gain my bearings. I felt like I was in everyone's way for awhile. I wasn't meshing with the unconscious system that develops during the work day. Like jumping into a mosh pit without having heard any of the bands songs yet. But after an hour or so I started to slip into it and everything ran smoothly after that.

Two days later and my inspiration and motivation have not subsided. My focus is to not slip back into old patterns. Patterns that allowed me to be lazy on my days off and avoid writing. This week my goal is to finish the second outline of Act II of my screen play and compare the two outlines I have and make a decision regarding the direction I want to go with it. And then, guess what? Then I have to actually write Act II. Fuck yeah!

Weird things my cat does

So it's been about six weeks since I got the new kitty and she's still awesome, though jumping onto Steven's leather studio chair with her claws has done a bit of damage. We just need to be diligent about clipping those razor claws.

Here are some funny behaviors Steven and I have noticed in the last few weeks.
We both have late schedules so we tend to sleep late. Alice likes to come in and start snuggling around 9:30 am. She will curl up between the two of us, or sometimes almost directly on my head, and start purring really loud. She'll then proceed to walk all over us several times and lick our faces each time she passes. This apparently means it is time to get up and feed her because as soon as we make a move to get out of bed she runs to her food bowl.

During showers she will usually climb up between the inner and outer shower curtain and just sit there, sometimes batting at a bead of water as it trickles down the clear plastic. But after I get out of the shower she jumps right into the tub and starts lapping up little pools of water and grooming herself. It's as if she knows the water on her paws will help in this process.

Most of the time she will not curl up and go to sleep on either me or Steven. But she will curl into a ball on our lap or chest or neck (when we are lying down) and then proceed to attempt to milk herself. Yes, that's right, my kitten sucks her own nipples. And is really noisy about it too. And she purrs like mad when she does it. I'm not exactly sure how to break her of this habit, or if I even need to.

She's also taken to sleeping in Steven's leather office chair while we are watching movies. It is apparently the perfect kitty bed. It is also the same color as she is so if we don't know she is there we can almost not even see her since we usually watch movies with the lights out. I wish she wanted to curl up with us, but its really nice that she wants to be in the same room.

Finally, and this one is really freakin' hilarious, as soon as she is done using the litter box (which is a covered one we keep in an open utility closet), she jumps out and bolts as fast as she can to the other side of the room. This happens every single time she uses the litter box. I can only assume it is a survival instinct that is triggered by her being in a blind box to do her business and not knowing what might be lurking outside of it.

Anyway, Alice is still awesome and loves the little mouse toys I've bought for her. She is so amazingly adorable when she is carrying one around in her mouth, all proud of her kill. But I probably needn't have bothered since she seems to love playing with rubber bands just as much as her mouse toys. She LOVES them!

Update

So I haven't been posting because I haven't really been doing anything. I've been working and watching lots of movies mostly. I worked as a driver for Fantastic Fest, the Austin horror/sci-fi/fantasy film festival hosted by The Alamo Drafthouse last week. I picked up a bunch of filmmakers and actors from the airport, but unfortunately not the ones I had hoped (that being Sam Rockwell and Germain Clement). I did, however, see them do a great panel about their movie, Gentlemen Broncos, at Book People. Sadly the reviews coming in for the movie are not good.
The best part though was when I got paid to take some filmmakers to go floating down the Comal River in New Braunfels and drink beer. That was great:-)

What I haven't been doing is writing. I think I have been subconsciously avoiding it because I don't really know what to do next. I have an outline for Act II but I need to do another since there are 2 ways I feel it could go. I need to make a writing schedule because it seems that otherwise I just find ways to avoid it.

Oh yeah... I have been making some progress in my classes. I am on week four of my acting class. Last week we had to write our own scene and then have other actors in the class perform it. My scene was about vampires. It was the only even remotely fantastical scene in the class. Everyone else went with realism. I still don't know if I am any good but I feel like I'm getting better. We'll see how it goes tonight.

And my stunt class is progressing as well, though I had to miss this last weekend due to work commitments. The week before I started learning how to do back handsprings. Something I've wanted to do since I took gymnastics as a child but never succeeded at. I'm super close and hopefully will be able to do it without a spotter by this weekend.

At the film festival I saw the District B13 sequel: District 13 Ultimatum. It was amazing! The creator of Parkour is the star (David Belle) and the stunts and fight sequences in that film are incredible... nay, not incredible... their SICK man, just SICK! And I mean that in the street slang way, in case you couldn't figure that out;-)



It got me thinking about the direction I need to start going in stunt class. Jumps, lots of fun fun jumps. And weapons. I need to start bringing practice weapons to work on fun fun fight stuff!

So that is all for now. Class, work, avoiding writing, and movies. I'm working on the avoiding writing thing and hopefully will have something to show for it by the end of the week.

Rearranging...

This week has been a week of ups and downs. Today was a good day. I watched Alice completely demolish yet another feather toy then move on to a literal game of cat and mouse with a neon green and yellow mouse toy. I smiled happily as she jumped on, around and over things, squeaking her little squeak each time she hit the floor when jumping from sufficient height (3 feet or more).
Steven and I had a nice drive up to Fry's where we bought some power adapters and an SPDIF adapter to go along with our new Airport Express so I can stream my music library to his awesome surround sound speakers instead of just listening through my computers speakers.
And then we turned Alice's whole world upside down by rearranging the living room so that we could have easier access to our bikes and the stereo would be in a good position.
The living room looks great, has a better flow, and I enjoy sitting in here and working much better than before. Maybe there really is something to the Feng Shui thing;-)

So now I have about 30 minutes before I have to be at work and Alice is doing laps around the house. I've strategically placed her kitty condo right behind the living room futon but also right by the sliding glass doors so she can use it as both an obstacle course for her daily work outs and a resting place to see the outside from. She totally digs it. And so do I.

Future stunt-person!

So this past Sunday I went to my first stunt class taught by Richard Hancock who has been a professional film stunt man for about 30 years. We started out with some basic punching and kicking moves, learning how to keep the camera in mind and where to aim (hint: it's not at the actor's face). Then we moved on to some basic tumbling... front and back rolls, dive rolls, cartwheels, round-offs... that sort of thing. Easy peasy for someone like me:-)
Then we did some jump rolls (jumping from about a 4 1/2 foot height and then rolling out of it). That was fun. The floor was springy so it didn't upset my knees at all.
Then we had about thirty minutes to work on whatever we liked. I worked on some falls on the trampoline and tried to roll into a head stand backwards (I was unsuccessful). I practiced some double smash and spinning kicks (they need some work). And I watched this really awesome guy, Aaron, do some butterfly kicks and back handsprings (which ended in a spinny thing as he drove his elbow into the ground... can't wait till I can do that!).

And in the last 30 minutes of the 2 hour class we did conditioning. Now I've been staying in pretty good shape from riding my bike everywhere, but where my legs are strong my upper body is weak. And this conditioning portion kicked my ass! We did these squat things (I forget what they are actually called) where you hold the dumbbells (20 lbs each in my case) and lift them off the floor, first using your legs, then straigtening your back and springing the dumbbells into an upright position near your shoulders, elbows bent). We did this 10 times, then did 10 pushups. We were supposed to do this set 10 times, I made it to 6 before I couldn't even hold the dumbbells anymore.

I worked out muscle groups in this class that I haven't used probably since the end of cheerleading and kung fu (circa 2007). So needless to say I woke up in a world of pain the next day. A good pain, but pain none the less. I had to push myself up off the bed in the morning with my arms because my other muscles couldn't do it on their own.
Now I was SUPPOSED to work a double ticket shift at the Drafthouse yesterday (Monday), which would have been awesome since all I do is sit there and sell tickets and talk to patrons all day. However, when I arrived it turned out that my manager had a low grade fever and we were short a runner. So the manager took over ticket duties while I had to run food. So not only did every muscle in my body ache and quake as I went up and down the stairs with trays of food, but I wasn't wearing the right shoes or pants. The soles of my shoes are starting to come off so I almost tripped several times and then I started sweating and overheating and nearly had a crying fit. At this point I took a breather and used an ice pack on my neck. Crisis averted.
Then the kitchen made us cookies and it was much better after that (sugar!!! yay!!!!)
Thankfully all of our second shift runners showed up and I was back on tickets (whew!).

I'm a little less sore today but not much. I have a runner shift starting at 3pm. Hopefully I'll get cut early since I'll be one of the first ones there. I still can't decide if I'm going to ride or take the bus. I should probably ride... the weather is nice and I need to work out the soreness.

I can't wait to go to the next stunt class (every sunday). I already learned how to do a few things I couldn't do before. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Introducing...

Alice Shadow Coltrane Brown!







She is a three and a half month old Bombay mix we rescued from the Humane Society. After only three days with her we are already certain that we made the perfect choice. She does all the awesome things that kittens do, including chasing the red dot from the laser pointer (relentlessly I might add), and none of the crappy things that kittens do, like pooping outside their litter box and tearing up the carpet.
She's super affectionate and playful and doesn't scratch up Steven's leather couch.
And she likes to play the keyboards too (I'll upload that photo as soon as I get it from Steven) which is what inspired the Alice Coltrane part of her name.
On top of that she looks almost exactly like Shadow, has the same kind of coat (silky black and shiny) and has many of her mannerisms too. That wasn't exactly intentional but they are the same breed and the personality traits are pretty common for that breed. Both Steven and I have caught ourselves calling her Shadow more than once so we thought it only appropriate to add it to her name.
Unfortunately Alice Coltrane Ackbar Brown was voted down by Steven (I was desperately trying to get a Star Wars reference in there somewhere... here were some of the others: Alice Coltrane Calrissian Brown, Alice Coltrane Yavin Brown and Alice Cotrane Vadar Brown.... the Admiral Ackbar reference, however, is still my fave!).

Hurty hands

Wow, I just finished the first draft of Act I of my screenplay. Since I'm sans software right now I'm actually writing by hand. So my hand hurts but I'm actually enjoying it. I haven't written using a pen and paper in ages.

I think the draft is a little long. May have to cut some things, but I'll see once I transcribe it. A lot of it is simply descriptions of the settings and the actions that are going on, which really will take up no time at all.

But all in all I feel pretty good about it. It took me three days off of work to do this (after I laid out everything using index cards... I love index cards).

Three days of straight writing. It just poured out. I knew exactly how I wanted to work in all the changes. And the dialogue came nice and easy (for the most part).

Next I'll be doing some more reading (in a few of the excellent books my sister gave me, thanks!). Then I'll lay out either Act II or Act III, not sure which yet, and write that one.

Act II will be the most complicated for certain, and I more or less already know what happens in Act III.

I also know that when I transcribe it into Final Draft there will be some changes, mostly in the way I have described things. My descriptions are a little clunky right now and could be changed to flow more smoothly I think.

Never in my life have I felt so good about what I was doing. I love it.

What have I been up to?

Here are a few photos of what I have been up to lately...

This is the "raw" tiremisu I just made. The base is ground cashew and pecan, then a filling made of blended cashew, banana, vanilla, coconut oil and agave nectar. On top of that I layered a powder I made from cashews and cacao nibs (ground in a coffee grinder)... Then I added another layer of the cashew-pecan mix, banana filling and cacao/cashews and topped it off with a sprinkling of cacao powder and cinnamon. It's in the fridge now waiting to be ready for eating!

Last night I went to an art show where one of my best friends in the world had a piece in the collection. Here he is with his art right above him:
And the two of us hangin' out...

Me and Steven at the art show:
And I thought I'd just throw this in there. This is where Steven and I spend most of our time... watching movies. I took this photo in a dark room with no flash after I discovered the ISO 3200 setting on my camera...

As for my screenplay, I've laid out all my scenes for Act I. I've written a character biography as well as explanations for certain things that happen in the film (since there are some sci-fi elements to it I felt it important to know what the processes were for certain things that are important to the plot).

Since I don't yet own a copy of Final Draft, and I'm pretty much ready to start the actual writing of Act I, I'll be kickin' it old school and writing it by hand. I bought some legal pads today just for this purpose.

I'll probably do Act III next. Act II will be the longest and most difficult section and since I already know what happens at the beginning and the end I figure I can go ahead and write them, and make any necessary changes later.

Fears

I've been thinking a lot lately about fear. It's all around me. It's inside me.
I watched a video online the other day and evaluated my emotional response to it. It evoked fear (in my opinion through manipulation of the facts, but that is neither here nor there). The point is that the person who made the video is probably also fearful. A lot of people are fearful and they constantly REACT to it. I do it too, though less and less and time goes by.
There are a lot of things people are afraid of, whether justifiably or not. War, famine, poverty, lack of security, loss of control, loneliness, death, failure, success. The list goes on.

I'm afraid of loneliness and of failure. I've been reacting to that all my life. These last several years I've learned to evaluate my emotional responses to things as they are happening. I ask myself why I am reacting the way I am to this specific stimulus?
I've learned to see patterns in my behavior and have discovered that by just reacting all the time I am a slave to the situation. I am at it's mercy. I am being controlled by it, tugged in this way or that, like a marionette.
A wise friend of mine once told me to just cut all the strings. But in order to do that you have to know they are there, which is why I started this process of evaluating myself. And sometimes I am successful. Sometimes I can cut the strings and I can then move independently, from within, choosing freely to go one way or the other, no longer being tugged along just reacting to things, letting things just happen to me. Once the strings are cut it's just me that is making the decisions.

I'm now over halfway through Screenplay by Syd Field and I can't tell you how many times he stresses the fact that characters must not just passively react to their situations. They must DRIVE the screenplay forward, BE the action. And the writer must be able to make choices without reacting to or being controlled by circumstances. If that happens the writer will inevitably get stuck in a quagmire of her own making.
So I have discovered a specific instance where art imitates life. How boring would a movie be if the main character just reacted to everything, had no say in their own actions or responses? That character would be pathetic (of course if the movie was about this person overcoming this personality trait then that could be something interesting).

I see people who live this way. They are boring people. And I think they are incredibly unhappy people. I think some of these people are in places of significant power and authority (quite possibly their fears have driven them to seek these positions under the illusion that when attained their fears will go away... but they don't because that is not how it works).
I don't know if it is possible to completely get over fear. Humans are probably just wired that way. I do know that people can learn to evaluate their fears and understand them, and eventually get to a place where their fear no longer controls them and they no longer exist in this cycle of reaction against them. People can be masters of their own destiny.
I know because I'm learning to do just that.

This post was kind of all over the place. It didn't really turn out how I wanted it to. But also I wasn't really sure where to start or what I really wanted to say. Things have been happening around me, things I have no control over and things I don't want to discuss (it would be too difficult to make logical sense of it on a blog anyway). The actual events don't matter, it could have been anything. I found myself reacting to these situations in many ways... defensively, studiously, pragmatically, begrudgingly, stubbornly. It made me realize I have a long way to go in mastering my fears.

Two movies

I saw two movies last night. One of them was EXCELLENT! And I will probably be watching it several times again in the future.
The other one, well, I can't quite decide if it is the worst movie I have ever seen or not. I spent several minutes last night trying to figure out what movies I have seen that are worse. I couldn't come up with very many.
So yeah, without further ado, here they are:

1) The Boat That Rocked, written and directed by Richard Curtis (Love Actually, Four Weddings and a Funeral), was excellent. Great story, excellent performances (I think the only 2 famous British actors that weren't in this movie were Daniel Craig and Ralph Fiennes), and an amazing soundtrack. It's the story of a pirate radio station in the 1960's that broadcasted out of the North Sea and was listened to by over half of England's population (and how the government tried to shut it down). Highly recommended!




2) The Informers, based on a collection of short stories by Bret Easton Ellis... despite a cast of great (and not so great) actors, this whole thing just did not work. I'm sure the individual stories they were based on were quite good (I like Easton Ellis as a writer and some of his film adaptations were really good), but man oh man did this movie suck. There were 4 or 5 story lines, the only thing connecting them all was a loose affiliation between some of the characters (apparently the fact that a character in each story knew a character in another story was sufficient to link them all together in the filmmaker's eyes... FYI, it wasn't). The only thing this movie said to me was that the only thing worse than rich people are their fucking self-entitled kids.